|
| I'm done with xanga. I'mma be blogging here, now.
BoBoCtiberius.blogspot.com | | |
| I wish I could believe in God.
It gets really exhausting to cling to people and invest so much in them, seeing them as really special, just to be devastated when they begin to become average.
I know it's my fault. I shouldn't expect these people to do the things I wish they could just because it will crush me if they don't.
We're all fucked up. Right from birth, we're fucked up. Human nature meets animal instinct meets societal pressures meets I HAVE AN ORGAN THAT MUST FUCK EVERYTHING IT CAN.
I don't know where I got fucked up. That's a lie.
I haven't had a good, clean, coherent, non-fragmented thought in months. I miss being well adjusted.
I never posted this, but I think everyone knows. I'm going to Arizona State University in the fall. I'm so excited. It's the only thing keeping going right now. Everything else is turning to shit but at least I'm going to finally start achieving and doing and living and breathing. Now, I can just marry myself to my work and forget I ever desired love. When I didn't have it, I never desired it, never bothered me to think of myself without a soulmate. I guess you have to really see what it feels like to know how great it is. Because, only after you have it can you lose it. Maybe I'll find some girl who can tolerate me and round out my life with her and become everything I've always hated. Or, maybe I'll just find more reasons to hate people and myself.
I may or may not be living off campus. I'm not sure yet which I would prefer.
I like to think I wasn't always this bad.
I just wish I could get over this.
I need to think more. I'll be back in a little bit.
| | |
| Owning a xanga is pointless, now. Only three people even read this, any more, and two of them I talk to on a very regular basis outside of it. This is why I never post anymore.
I got into Arizona State. It's pretty easy to get into, but at least I know I'm going somewhere next year. Makes me able to enjoy summer fully (EVEN THOUGH NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO LOLLAPALOOZA WITH ME AND JOHN WHAT THE FUCK.) I'd also be going there for free, for at least the first year. I'd have to pay a good chunk of it back, but not for a while.
I want a dog. I want something to shower with love that won't complain that I'm caring for it too much, even though that's what it wants. Dogs don't lie to you.
Yesterday, I watched my brother coerce a girl into stripping for him on webcam, on my msn. When I signed on later in the day, she tried talking to me, and within 20 minutes wanted to strip for me. The world in which we live.
I hope no one I love gets swine flu. That would be sad.
If I see one more person put "FML" at the end of anything ever, I am going to hit them. It seems to be the same three people doing it, too. If your life sucks that bad, kill yourself. That was a really selfish statement. I just told someone to kill themself so I wouldn't have to deal with their status updates on facebook. Good thing no one reads this.
I am going to buy a grill. I am going to grill things on that grill. I am going to invite people over to eat the things I grill on that grill.
I have been playing a lot of online spades. I'm getting pretty good at it.
That is all.
| | |
| I got really shitty drunk for the first time in a long time. It was rather enjoyable. I like myself as a person a little more when I'm drunk than when I'm not. Except that my need for physical relations and attention (Especially from women) is quintupled (Word?). I was inches away from pouncing on two different women last night, and I wouldn't have felt to great about either in the morning (Not for the usual reason people regret drunk hookups.) Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if drunken idealism didn't lead to me adding one of them on facebook. Hey. Who knows? Maybe we'll start talking and something cool will come from it. Or, maybe she'll just add me and not really talk to me because it's kind of weird.
Speaking of which, I don't spend as much time on the internet any more. Mainly because I've been working more (Boo) and been slammed with school work (Also, boo.), but lately I've only been spending a little bit of time online. If someone IMs me, I'll talk, but not much outside of that. Facebook sucks anymore, because no one wants to bother to sift through all the pointless updates from that one friend who you aren't even sure why you added really who has to do every goddamned survey on the site and you're just like "Goddamnit, why does she have to have really pretty profile pictures, so I don't want to lessen her updates on my homescreen?" to make a comment. Or, maybe no one besides John talks to me on it, any more.
I was reading my old Johari/Nohari thing, and the traits are still painfully me. I don't know if that is good or bad.
I am going to try to write more. I was reading something I wrote over a year ago and I was all "Damn. I like this, a lot." I always feel really good when I write and it goes really well, so yeah.
If the Redskins draft Mark Sanchaz, I will fucking flip. If they trade up in order to do so, I will begin a collection to buy the fucking team. Maybe I will gain enough money to at least buy a decent fucking GM who can build a good roster. This is what should happen with that first pick: Eugene Monroe/Brian Orakpo if one of them happens to fall, Everette Brown or Michael Oher, preferrably Oher if not, or trade down and draft a center (Mack/Unger) in the 2nd, and best OL/DE available with the 2nd/3rd we'd pick up. Andre Smith or Rey Mulauga would not piss me off, Mark Sanchaz would piss me off more than anything, Knowshawn Moreno would just be fucking bizarre.
| | |
| I miss my friends. I miss when things were easy. I miss when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
I miss being happy.
| | |
|
